The Shitty of Calgary

Note to most people on the +15: “Pick up the fucking pace, already.”

The Mayor — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 06:13:00 +0000

You know exactly who you are. Seriously, pick it up a little. What’s worse is that most times you are dragging your feet shoulder-to-shoulder with your workmates making it very difficult to pass. All I ask is that you walk with a purpose.

The Calgary Flames generously support the Canadian Choking Institute.

The Mayor — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 06:29:01 +0000

For the fourth time in as many seasons, the Calgary Flames have been selected to represent the Canadian Choking Institute at the 2010 International Convention of Choking Associations.

“We are pleased to be back talking to the general public about the hazards of choking. In particular, to watch out for beers being thrown at us as our team leaves the ice under a chorus of boos. We are also very honoured that the CCI has chosen our logo for the new 3 universal signs for choking“, said Daryl Sutter, when asked about the event.

The Calgary Flames will host the event in the Pengrowth Saddledome in a series of home game in their short regular season.

Okay, okay, back to the serious stuff now. We have another March, and another choke for the Calgary Shames. Goodness gracious. What do the Sutter brothers have to do get this ship steered in the right direction with all aboard paddling in the same direction? If you’re a Flames fan you’ve seen this movie before, and I’m pretty sure you don’t like the ending.

I would love to see the Flames make the post-season, only to see them get bounced by my beloved Vancouver Canucks. But as of the time of writing this entry, the Flames would have to be in 6th spot, meaning they would have to magically leapfrog the Preds, the Wings, and the Avalanche, but we all know this ain’t going to happen. Well, if your a Flames fan, just remember that you’re not Edmonton. But then again, they are playing for #1 draft pick and they will likely have Taylor Hall lacing up for them next season. What are you guys going to get?! Sweet fuck all.

Oh, and get this, citing the recent popularity and consistency of the Flames’s choking ways, Hollywood is producing a feature length film called Choke. Coming soon, to a rink near you.

Choke - Coming soon to a rink near you.

If you drive a 4×4 with a lift kit and oversized tires: Fuck off.

The Mayor — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 04:50:45 +0000

Alberta is the land of large pickup trucks. Well, perhaps you live on a farm and you need to haul stuff around or tow tractors out of a muddy ditch. Maybe you need the ruggedness of a truck of this stature to transport you to and from a wellsite up North with a wireline rig in tow. Or could it be that you are a contractor and your equipment needs to get around safely? No, probably not. It is more likely that you are simply a prick with a huge truck who drives around as though you are the master of the road you survey far, far beneath you. So if you drive a truck that even remotely resembles the one pictured below:

Very large truck = very, very, small johnson.

Then fuck off already. Seriously, what the fuck do you need a truck that fucking big for? You look like an idiot and your truck is a fucking hazard on the roadways. What’s more is that you drive like a fucking maniac. Please do us all a favour and trade your monstrocity for a more sensible vehicle, and while you’re at it, get a fucking life. Fuck.

This just in: Proposed bridge blows.

The Mayor — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 05:10:05 +0000

This bridge should not be built. In fact, it should never have been rendered digitally. The computer on which this bridge was designed should be broken. Now come on, good people, tell me this isn’t a $24M Chinese finger trap. But instead of trapping fingers, it might one day confine $24M of our hard-earned money. And for what? To afford us the convenience of not having to walk 2 blocks West to cross at the 10th Street bridge? To spare us from labouring a few blocks to the East to cross at the west-most bridge to Eau-Claire? This has got to be a joke.

Mr. Bronco and your minions, don’t you think this $24M could be better spent to address many of Calgary’s street level social issues? Or perhaps you can put the entire sum toward buying a 7 more office chairs for the city manager’s office – please, anything but an unnecessary bridge that resembles a soda straw on its side or a sex toy.

An artists rendition of Calgary's proposed $24M Chinese finger trap.

Can you spot the difference?

Have you seen one of these fucking things?

The Mayor — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 03:55:34 +0000

You have to be kidding me. Just the other day while traveling south on Rocky Ridge Road, I thought for a moment I was caught in the midst of a solar eclipse because all of the sudden my vehicle was blanketed by darkness. But this was no eclipse, my friends, the shadow that swallowed my car was cast by the monstrosity pictured below.

I know my vehicles, but I couldn’t figure out what the fuck this thing was. First I thought it was the front end of a tractor trailer, but there was no 5th wheel type hitch. So I figured it was some sort of military setup, but nope, it had no markings that would suggest so. So I figured it must be a new style fire truck since it was so massive and bright red, but no ladders, no hoses, nothing. So as I drove past this thing, I noticed a regular guy behind the wheel, his wife in the passenger seat, and a couple of kids in the back strapped to car seats. WTF?

Little did I know that this was a passenger vehicle. Let me tell you something right here, this thing (I’m not even sure what it is called) would dwarf a Hummer H2. I’m not even sure if it has a spare tire; instead, I think it has a Mini-Cooper tucked away underneath its bed.

What is going on people? Goodness. Why in the lord’s good name would anybody EVER want to drive around in this behemoth?

Please tell me it ain't so.

Salary Cut-Backs

The Mayor — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 17:06:27 +0000

Have you recently had your salary cut-back? Perhaps by 100%? Do you need to vent? Do you just want to talk about it? If so, here’s the place to do it. FYI, my salary was recently cut back, but thankfully wifey and I had some wiggle room in our budget to keep things moving.

This just in! Area man doing just fine without a BlackBerry.

The Mayor — Thu, 21 May 2009 05:03:09 +0000

Not having a BlackBerry now-a-days is tantamount to admitting you live in a cave and you carve out messages on stone tablets. But do you really need a BlackBerry (or other smart phone) to make it in today’s business world? Believe it or not, I had to negotiate carrying a company BlackBerry out of my current employment agreement.

You see, when I’m at work, I check my email on my desktop computer, talk to colleagues, go to meetings, and keep busy doing other work stuff – BlackBerry not required. But when I am in transit to or from work, I’d rather be sleeping, reading, or vegging out. At home, I’d rather spend time with wifey and the kids than be thinking about work, much less reading or writing emails to colleagues. It’s really that simple. So what’s the big deal about having a BlackBerry and looking so busy on it all the time? Can one be important without a BlackBerry?

“What a great deal I got on my house in late 2007!”

The Mayor — Sat, 16 May 2009 04:21:25 +0000

So you decided to sell your right-sized home in late 2007 and move into an oversized home in an estate area, right? Why? Because that was all the rage back then, I suppose. But the problem is, you can’t sell your new place for anywhere near what you paid for it. Your mortgage is upside-down; there is a chance that your bank (or any other lender, for that matter) will not renew your mortgage because you are leveraged far too high, and you are likely worried about your job. Way to go, fucko.

"Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time."

I trust you’ve learned a lesson that just because you can buy something, it doesn’t mean that you can afford it. Always remember that equity is not real money. In fact, it is not money at all. It is simply a means to allow you to access more money which by definition means you take on more debt.

Quiz: Are you a stereotypical Calgary mom?

The Mayor — Mon, 04 May 2009 04:49:13 +0000

Oh, the good old stereotypical Calgary mom. I know you’ve seen them. Perhaps you are married to one, or you might even be one. Here’s a quick test to see if you fit the stereotype:

Do you wear a lot of Lululemon stuff?

2. Are you extraordinarily proud to drink Starbucks coffee?
And yes, it has everything to do with Starbuck’s coffee tasting the best and nothing to do with it being perceived as the most expensive.

3. Do you drive a very, very large luxury SUV?
Because at the end of the day you have to be safe and it puts you in a position to look down on regular moms who drive Chrysler Minivans.

4. Do you have a smile that will not go away, even if you are upset or angry?
It’s either the Botox, plastic surgery, or both.

5. Do you weigh less than 90 lbs?
Because large people are ugly and evil.

6. Do you have acrylic or gel nails?
Oh, you gotta love these things, especially when they start to grow out – how classy.

7. Are you a stay-at-home mom but have a nanny?
After all, your kids need somebody to call mom, and who else would you boss around at Sobey’s?

8. Do you lead a shallow, empty, and unsatisfying existence?
You are sad.

Answering yes to any 5 or more of these questions qualifies you as a stereotypical Calgary mom.

The Calgary Shames have(n’t) done it again.

The Mayor — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 03:47:24 +0000

Yeah, yeah, I’m sure by now you’ve heard them all – “The C on the jersey stands for choke or crap”, “done in one”, “one and done”, “Kipper, it’s behind you!”, or the more traditional “Flames Suck!”

Well, no matter what people call it, the fact remains that the Flames did not make it past the first round yet again. So what gives? I was really hoping that they would beat Chicago (and San Jose would beat the Ducks) so that the Flames would face the Canucks in the second round. Clearly, the Nucks would beat Calgary and that would be a very, very, hard pill for Flames fans to swallow.

For your viewing pleasure, here are a collection of videos related to the Calgary Shames:

Perhaps they should have had this kid in net in the Chicago series.